6.1.2016 (35 Tahun)

6 Januari itu adalah tarikh kelahiranku yang jarang diraikan, tidak kisah jika dilupakan kerana ia dianggap sekadar nombor. Namun, nombor 35 itu benar-benar buat diri ini sedikit terasa bahawa saya sudah terlalu jauh untuk terus memandang enteng kepada kehidupan yang masih berbaki. 

35 x 2 = 70. Oh!

Aku sedang cuba menerima qada' dan qadar Allah

Aku sering pelupa

Bilangan rakaat solatku

Di mana cermin mataku

Menjemput anak dari taska!

Senaman...

Kerana beratku sekarang 80.1kilogram!

Segalanya semakin kendur

Termasuklah semangatku

Tetapi nafsu masih sepertimana dulu

Termasuk sifat egoisku

Ingin membanding diri yang semakin uzur

Dengan mereka yang pantas menggapai bintang

Bukankah Allah sudah berpesan

Lihatlah mereka yang kekurangan

Supaya diri terus bersyukur

Dan menjadikan dirimu tenang

Hidup dalam ketenangan

Dalam wujudnya kekurangan

Serta ni'mat dan kelebihan

Yang sentiasa dilupakan

Sungguh, hati terdalamku berkata-kata

Dan aku ingin benar ia terasa

Kerana ia boleh buat aku redha

dengan Qada' dan Qadar Allah Yang Maha Esa

Memuliakan suami dalam apa jua perkara

Mengutamakan kebajikan anak-anak itulah

yang sepatutnya

Memelihara diri bukan bermaksud 

Makan semahu-mahunya

Yang patut adalah menjaganya

daripada belenggu syaitan dalam salur darah

yang menanti-nanti merobek iman

bersama nafsu yang sentiasa ingin

mengalahkan akal

Yang akhirnya menjerumuskan aku ke lembah yang hina

Di dunia dan akhirat...wana'uzubillahi min zaalik.

Hati yang terdalam ini ingin sempurnakan mana yang patut disempurnakan sebelum segalanya terlambat. 

Bonda Nor berkata-kata mewakili hati terdalam ini dalam bukunya bersama Prof MKI bertajuk 'Bila Hati Berkata, biar Hati Terasa', cetakan pertama 2016, mukasurat 166:

Aku di sini Ya Allah
Jasadku masih terus berdiri
Namun lisanku mendiam
Jiwaku menerawang ke lubuk hati yang paling dalam 
Sayup di hujung sana
Ada suara rancak berbicara
Kata-katanya jujur dan luhur
Itu yang dirasa
Itu kata-kata yang terlahir dari jiwa
Ada gelisah menghempap diri
Ada resah menyentap hati

Subhanallah!
Hati ini rancak berkata-kata
Bersungguh ia menghitung usia
Separuh jalan sudah kutinggalkan
Bagaimana dengan bekalan?
Sudahkah yakin untukku pasrahkan?
Riuh ia menanya
Amalanku yang kelmarin masihkah berpahala?
Atau sudah lebur disambar riyak?
Atau sudah hancur terhenyak, lalu hilang tanpa jejak?
Hati ini terus berkata-kata

Gemuruh ia mengira
Apa khabar dosa-dosaku yang lalu?
Sudahkah diterima rayuan taubatku?
Atau masihkah membeku di situ?
Atau sudah terlahir dosa-dosa yang baharu?

Sungguh...
Mengingati segala khilaf diri
Khauf dan raja' bersilih ganti
Kadang takut kadang berani
Kadang putus asa menyelubung diri
Pada detik kedegilanku melaju
Pada detik akalku tidak mampu menundukkan nafsu

Aku ketakutan ya Allah!
Aku takut terbelenggu dengan dosa-dosa itu
Aku takut terjerat dengan kemurkaan-Mu
Meski beribu istighfar sudah kulafazkan
Itu bukan jaminan dosaku telah Kau ampun
Aku bimbang ya Allah
Aku bimbang kalau hidayah-Mu tidak lagi datang
Aku takut ia terus hilang

Lalu andai hidayah itu tercabut
Bagaimana andai ajalku menjemput?
Bagaimana mahu kutatang sakaratul maut?
Sungguh, aku takut!

Bantulah aku ya Allah
Bantulah aku mengemudi hati
Bantu kudandan jiwaku ini
Di saat hati ini masih mampu berkata
Hanya satu yang ingin kupinta
Cuma satu sahaja
Pandulah aku menyusuri jalan-Mu
Bantulah aku menjejak syurga itu

~ Bonda Nor

35 itu sudah dirasakan sangat lanjut, berbanding jiwa muda yang masih berasakan 'masih banyak yang ingin kusempurnakan dalam hidup ini; PhD, tambah anak, tambah simpanan dan kekayaan, melabur, melancong ke negara orang...' dan senarai itu semakin bertambah dari hari ke hari.

Namun, hati terdalam sangat terusik dengan sikapku menerima qada' dan qadar Allah SWT. Sungguh, keimanan itu diuji tanpa jiwa ini menyedarinya dan dalam keadaan diri yang mengku seorang yang yang beriman! Sungguh diri ini lalai kebanyakan masanya. Kurang bersyukur dengan ni'mat Allah yang banyak dan kurang bersungguh dalam menyempurnakan tanggungjawab sebagai satu amanah daripada Allah SWT. 

"Ampunilah dosaku ya Allah! Kepada-Mu aku berserah! Sungguh aku mahukan perjalanan hidupku jauh baik daripada semalam dan inginku redha dengan segalan ketentuanMu dalam masa aku berusaha dengan kudrat yang Engkau kurniakan kepadaku untuk menyempurnakan segala amanah yang Engkau berikan kepadaku"

2016 Proposed Life Schedules

Have you determined your new or improved goals for 2016? Now, you have decided to publish your life schedules in this blog, this portrays your willingness to be open while being honest to yourself that you have to sort out your mind and decide what will your life theme (main goals) for the coming year 2016. 

2015 is passing by and you know you want to make significant changes to yourself in 2016, that declaring them online would necessarily give a momentum for you to achieve them. Most importantly, you want to achieve them, you are planning for them to happen, you are strongly willing to do everything necessary for that to happen and finally you are hoping that significant changes would happen to yourself for the better.

The success of your yearly, monthly, weekly or daily routine is determined by how you prioritize the 'to-do- list' EACH DAY! Meaning, it is a must for anyone like you who want to accomplish something that very day, to have that to-do list.

You would determine the 'to-do list' according to your goals and as for now, you can generalize your priorities accordingly, as follows:-

To-Do Lists on Weekdays (specific 'to-do' list will be clarified the day before)within these matters.

1. Writing academic and non-academic paper

2. The 20 minutes right exercises

3. Quality time with kids especially at dinner time and at the playground

4. Reviewing my thesis

5. Reviewing my schedules and planning for the next day

4.30 am:

Early morning prayer, continued with reviewing the day 'to-do list' and finally do a 30-minutes reading on any relevant literature.

5.30 am:

Early morning cool bath as a therapy to reduce weight and refreshment, continued with Subuh prayer and waking up the kids afterwards. Getting them ready to schools is part of the most significant roles as a mother when I can actualize my love and care.

6.45 am: 

Preparing simple breakfast for all members of the family and have a positive interaction with the kids about their life and schools none about myself), to ensure that the kids will not feel neglected before they set off to school.

7.15 am:

A motherly journey to school for all of the kids at Tunas Bestari and SRII Hira' with a prayer that Allah takes care of them and love them much more in their life journey as individual persons.

Now, you decided to apply 'pomodoro technique'. These are some of the information that you would always refer to in order to make it a sucess!

There are five basic steps to implementing the technique (source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pomodoro_Technique)

1. Decide on the task to be done

2. Set the pomodoro timer to n minutes (traditionally 25)

3. Work on the task until the timer rings; record with an x

4. Take a short break (3–5 minutes)

5. After four pomodoros, take a longer break (15–30 minutes) (solat sunat Dhuha can be performed during the final pomodoros)

A goal of the technique is to reduce the impact of internal and external interruptions on focus and flow. A pomodoro is indivisible. When interrupted during a pomodoro, either the other activity must be recorded and postponed (inform – negotiate – schedule – call back) or the pomodoro must be abandoned.

25 + 3 + 25 + 3 +25 + 3 + 25 + 30 minutes = 139 minutes up to 145 minutes = 2 hours 25 minutes(including pomodoros/intervals)

The stages of planning, tracking, recording, processing and visualizing are fundamental to the technique. In the planning phase tasks are prioritized by recording them in a "To Do Today" list. This enables users to estimate the effort tasks require. As pomodoros are completed, they are recorded, adding to a sense of accomplishment and providing raw data for subsequent self-observation and improvement.

For the 5 minutes break, these are the suggested activities from http://pomodorotechnique.com/pomodoro-technique-short-break/ 

Here are a few examples of what other Pomodoro users do on their short breaks, and some resources to inspire not only your breaks, but the rest of your workday:

1. Try some simple desk exercises, like the ones listed in this article, “5 Desk Exercises for Your Busy Office Life.” They’re quick, effective, and don’t even require leaving your office, if you’re not in the mood to walk around.
2. Do a quick organizational chore. Not one that you dread, or find to be cumbersome. Just something small, like emptying out your backpack, purse, or briefcase, and reorganizing it, or cleaning up your desk area and tossing unnecessary documents. Or if you work from home, you could get a load of laundry started, or wash the dishes. Little household or administrative tasks like these can feel oddly satisfying and mind freeing when breaking up your Pomodoros.
3. Do a simple hand or neck massage to release tension. There are several video tutorials online that can teach you how.
4. Similarly, some “office yoga” or breathing exercises can go a long way in five minutes to center your mind and body.
5. Or even keep it as simple as getting up to get a glass of water.

The following journals are required for the purpose of recording:

1. Research journal

2. Kids Upbringing Journal

3. Weight Loss Journal

4. Personal Development Journal (including learning Francais and other third languages).

So, that's it! Let's continue with your schedule using pomodoro technique for a more productive work with mental agility.

Set 1 Pomodoro

First, second and third  25 + 5 (60 minutes/1 hour)

9.00 am:

Warm-up the Ph.D. work. Revise the updated version of your thesis and continue with active reading and writing. 

Fourth 25 + 30

11.25 am: 

Continue with another set of pomodoro for the purpose of reading the relevant literature. The same techniques apply here. At least four significant articles during this pomodoro which must then be printed and filed (during this pomodoro). You have decided to do the printing in the second pomodoro and filing in the third pomodoro. You may have lunch in the final pomodoro of set 1. (during that 15-30 minutes interval).

Set 2 Pomodoro

First, second, third and fourth 25 + 5 and 30

1.50 pm: 

Continue with pomodoro set 2 for the day, mostly the similar task with set 1 of active reading and writing.

Set 3 Pomodoro

The first 25 + 5
4.15 pm:

Solat asar and specific prayer for the day + reviewing chapters.

The second and third 25 + 5

4.45 pm: (Quality Time with kids)

Invite the kids from school. The second  and third pomodoro of (25 + 5) is for travelling alone and with kids. While alone, can listen to motivational CD on how to become a successful mother and professional. The third pomodoro continues with crucial interactive time with the kids (while travelling back home). Listen to them most of the minutes and be patient in giving feedback, as loving as a mother could be.

The fourth 25 + 30
5.45 pm: 
(Quality Time with Kids)(fourth pomodoro)(25 + 30 minutes)

Having dinner and rest.

Set 4 Pomodoro

First, second and third 25 + 5 and the 25 + 30
6.40 pm: (Quality Time and Dinner with Kids)(No TV yet)

First pomodoro (25 + 5): Listen to them and showers them love while bathing. Then I help myself too.

Second pomodoro (25 + 5): Solat Maghrib sama-sama (No TV yet).

Third pomodoro (25 + 5): Together with kids, arrange books and clothing for the next day session.

Fourth pomodoro (25 + 30 minutes): Can allow them watching TV + your short break before 'Isya'. 

Set 5 Pomodoro

9.00 pm: 
First pomodoro (25 + 5): Solat 'Isya' and supper

Second pomodoro (25 + 5): Set them to bed

Third pomodoro (25 + 5): Conversation with husband

Fourth pomodoro (25 + 30): Review the day and set up everything for tomorrow. To clarify to-do list for the next day.

Five sets of pomodoro completed for the day. 

11.25 pm: Go to sleep. (5 hours long deep sleep, hopefully)

Weekend Schedule ( you may allow yourself to apply pomodoro techniques the first second you open your eyes for weekend requires more discipline because you have to challenge yourself with several matters that are crucial for self-improvements as well as interpersonal communication with family members who, most of the time in the house. You refuse to allow flagging and now, let not the time flies without any proper plan.

Set 1 Pomodoro

The first and second 25 + 5

4.30 am: Early morning prayer and a brisk walk in the garden / around the house. Drink 1 Litre of water.

5.30 am: Early morning bathe and solat subuh (no pomodoro). Waking up the kids to solat.

The third and fourth 25 + 5/30

7.00 am: Prepare nasi lemak for the day. Then, take a short nap.

Set 2 Pomodoro

The first 25 + 5

8.25 am: Enjoying Quality time with all members of the family while having breakfast (no TV)

The second 25 + 5

8.55 am: Allow them to watch TV or rest while you begin with  your thesis review.

The third 25 + 5

9.25 am: Ask the kids to read hafazan and hadith while you continue your work reading relevant article for the session.

The fourth 25 + 30 

9.55 am: Ask the kids to do homework while you may choose to do the house-chores like sidai kain and cuci kasut sekolah as well as kerja mengemop dan sapu lantai serta cuci pinggan.

The next 30 minutes are for your solat Dhuha. Can ask the kids to join. 

Set 3 Pomodoro

The first 25 + 5

10.50 am: Can allow the kids to watch TV while you continue your active reading and writing at the computer.

The second 25 + 5

11.20 am: Invite the kids to do colouring while watching TV (no TV is much better). You may continue with your creative writing on desktop in this blog.

The third 25 + 5

11.50 am: Preparing for lunch (invite the kids to join in the kitchen) while allowing them to play with their toys.

The fourth 25 + 30

12.20 am: Have lunch together. No TV. Family talk. That 30 minutes: landing.

1.15 pm: No pomodoro. Solat berjemaah and can allow the kids to watch TV.

Set 4 pomodoro

The first 25 + 5

2.00 pm: Invite the kids to memorize sifir while you continue with your work on my thesis.

The second 25 + 5

2.30 pm: Invite the kids to read books/hafal sifir while you continue your work on the thesis.

The third 25 + 5

2.55 pm: Invite the kids to share their works: either creative works or school works and you can give advise accordingly while asking them to tidy up their school bag.  you must allow myself give a helping hand to them in organizing their bags.

The fourth 25 + 30

3.50 pm: Invite the kids to organize their clothing and that 30 minutes is for my personal time with my blog and solat 'asar.

Set 5 pomodoro

The first 25 + 5

4.45 pm: 25 minutes exercise from the upper body to the lowest body whole-body) exercise.

The second 25 + 5

5.10 pm: Tidy up the house and prepare dinner. 

The third 25 + 5

5.40 pm: Having dinner without TV. Have family talk.

The fourth 25 + 30

6.10 pm: 

Tidying up dinner area and rest.

6.55 pm: (no pomodoro)

Get the kids for bath and solat maghrib together. Recite as-Sajdah together and recall all hafazan for the kids. you may allow yourself to assist them. Solat 'isya together and entertain them.

9.30 pm: (no pomodoro)

Allowing yourself to re-organize your house, my kids equipment, your work and your next day 'to-do' list. What a long day in the weekend.  you want to sleep early.

10 - 10.30 pm: Have a good night sleep.

Consclusion

Let us embrace 2016 with mental agility and love!

2016 Life Theme

Oh, my English! Today I decided to write in English, a language that I have learnt before I started primary school, informally with my beloved sisters and TV. Writing this non-academic blog, at least, make me feel free to write down any issue that comes from the heart, with the hope of benefiting myself and others. This is a language that I used in schools and universities but lacking in daily interaction for I used Bahasa Melayu and Kelantanese dialect most of the time. Lacking some vocabularies is normal. It is a misfortune for someone like me who is writing her Ph.D. thesis in English and who is going to write her next story in English if the 'I cannot do it' stigma still present in this claimed beautiful mind. 

Armistead Maupin, author of Tales of the City explained, “I write to explain myself to myself. It’s a way of processing my disasters, sorting out the messiness of life to lend symmetry and meaning to it.” 

Well, I agree with Maupin. While admitting the lack in grammar and vocabulary, I keep on telling myself that I need to sort out the messiness of life through writing with the thought that writing would be part of the journey to find a good side of a life problem.

'Thoughts influence your actions, so, if you think negatively, there’s no bright future ahead of you. Positive people don’t believe in the excuses their minds come up with. Through positive affirmations and finding the good side of any problem, they make sure they are mentally set up for success.' See http://www.lifehack.org/284661/14-ways-positive-people-separate-themselves-from-negative-energy

The idea of creating a blog by the name of 'flowers in my mind' originated from my intention to help myself think positive through writing. Millions of people make writing as a wonderful career with millions worth of revenue, but the intention did not go that far. It was just an intention out of a strong willingness to be more positive, grateful, be more productive and strive for more without ever looking back, just to be weakened by the many negative influences which were somehow intolerable. The intention was a genuine ambition to help myself who I believe, the best of creation Allah SWT as an evidence of being grateful.

Driven for Success

I realized that I am driven for success, either for my Ph.D study, family, career or losing my weight! There is nothing nice being flagged in the study most of the time, ungrateful with the given moments to be with family (also most of the time) and having an overweight body! I am driven to make some changes to those. Changes that will prove my efforts of adhering to Allah's Commands of being thankful for everything I have. I am inspired by some motivational talks on the internet, particularly Brendon Buchard, a young and determined speaker who has proved his worth of not only improving his life but also a thousand others. 

I am a woman and I know my limit. Driving myself towards success still need some adjustments to the limits posed by Allah SWT. I call this, 'an adjustment skill (AS)' a woman should possess to be a successful professional without neglecting the commands from Allah SWT. This is a skill not all Muslim Woman has, but I decided to possess. Interpersonal communication skills are crucial that built a package, ME. Acknowledging the 'AS' to my survival is not an easy task. It requires passion, faith, and determination. Hence, I choose not to seek for perfection for the purpose of self-improvement.

2016 Goals

"life is hard at times. But when I overcome more challenges, I become much stronger then. So, I'm going to embrace them." - lifehack.org

More Productive

Self-improvement is one of my goals in 2016. One is being more productive. Discipline I call it. Bryan Tracy has taught me on how to be disciplined and stay focus. It takes time for me to actualize the intention for discipline needs continuous practise and determination. Everyone talks about displaying our goals and consistently observing our goals set up so we would not be easily distracted to do something less important. Pomodoro technique, they call it is one way to solve the issues of prioritizing tasks for the day, which I will adopt to help myself with my discipline issue of doing my Ph.D. work on top of other commitments as a wife, mother and employee. 

I did some readings on the internet, particularly the lifehack.org on being productive. Being productive is crucial for my position as a Ph.D. candidate and my supervisor have advised me over and over again about how to be a productive Ph.D candidate, according to her experience and understanding which are in line with what other scholars understanding about being productive, James Hayton, Muhammad Kamil Ibrahim (MKI), Othman Talib to name a few. Being a productive Ph.D. student according to these scholars is to consistently come up with write-up every day. This is impossible without active reading and writing and the rigour to search more than what is available in the literature. 

Where is your 2015 diary? Planner? Note Book? Personal Journal? Cash Flow? These form significant tools in documenting goals for the year which should be kept and updated each day. Those are not just for the first month of the year but extend to eleven months after and continuously the following years ahead. Shall I be inspired to be more disciplined? I have no choice but to find myself the source of inspirations either from the internet of experiences from other successful people.

More Meticulous

In matters of finance, work, thinking, feeling and faith. I can take my husband as an example, the most meticulous person I have ever known in my life. Where to put your glasses and watch before entering the bathroom, to clarify details over and over again before clicking the button 'PAY' or 'SUBMIT' in any online transaction, to re-check any message before clicking the button 'SEND', to think, analyze and evaluate the content of the message before making decision to convey it to someone out of anger. These examples are to be applied in my effort to be more 'MONEY SENSE', meticulous in my academic work and before making any decision in all aspects of life, a skill most successful people have.

Healthier

'Our health is determined by our daily habits. The more you know, the healthier you are. That's why I'll keep on reading more health information to boost my health and the health of my loved ones'. - lifehack.org

Healthier for me refers to the loss of fat in my belly! That is where diseases originate and I do not want to allow a single disease pop up just because of the visceral fat in my belly. Health Journal 2016 is coming soon!

Live.Love.Matter
"It's never easy to be a parent. But it'll pay off in the end. And I'm going to try my best."

Brendon Buchard gets himself successful with this theme/slogan which I find is true, based on my life experience. Without ever sacrificing the strong-hold principles expounded in Islam, I believe I can achieve all ambitions in 2016 for my chosen theme would be so much the same, to truly live life with the ones I love and matter to them.

I want to live freely and happily with the presence of my kids who need me and I want to spread love to them whole-heartedly because I know, I matter to them. I know, my life would not have to mean anything without living in the world where I cannot live my life with the ones I love who also need my unconditional love for their well-being, including the children, thesis and myself as a person.

Lumrah

Mode : Nasihat Kepada Diri Sendiri Yang Pendosa tapi Mahu ke Syurga, di samping Bahagia dan Kaya di Dunia

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kebanyakan masa, kita segan/malu untuk meluahkan kata hati atau isu yang membelenggu diri sendiri sedangkan ia perlu bagi meleraikan kebuntuan, melapangkan fikiran yang kusut atau menyelesaikan masalah yang dihadapi. Samalah dengan kamu. Seandainya terbukti kamu berada dalam keadaan tidak menentu, tidak berdisiplin, tidak mengendahkan tanggungjawab, sebaliknya menyibukkan diri dengan FB atau menunggu mesej-mesej daripada sesiapa yang tidak khusus. Kamu membuang masa, mengendahkan suruhan Yang Maha Kuasa. Ia mungkin satu dosa, seandainya kamu tidak cuba mengatasi kekusutan tersebut. 

Paling teruk keadaan kamu apabila mengharap kepada yang haram (suami orang, teruna orang, gadis orang, isteri orang) untuk menghiburkan hati yang lara. Dosa besar, itu. Tapi kamu manusia, walaupun tahu ia berdosa, kamu tetap mengizinkan ia menguasai dirimu. Bukankah kamu masih ada diri sendiri untuk disayangi, saudara-saudara yang memerlukan, kawan-kawan yang sentiasa mengingati. Apatah lagi, kamu seorang isteri yang masih punya suami, suami yang bijak, hensem, malah sentiasa mendoakan kebahagiaan hidup bersamamu beserta anak-anak yang dikurniakan Allah untuk kamu berdua.

Betapa kita tidak cuba mencari bahagia yang dihalalkan Allah. Bahagia kerana Allah, maksud saya. Syukur dengan takdir Allah, itu satu suruhanNya yang jelas. Hati kamu mudah dibiarkan sepi, sedangkan bahagia itu perlu dicari dan diselongkar dalam konteks yang halal itu tadi. Penderitaan yang sedikit itu, LUMRAH! Baiklah telan sahaja penderitaan yang sedikit itu bagi membuka ruang pahala untuk diri mengejar kebahagiaan di akhirat. Dunia ini sekejap saja. Senang, susah bersilih ganti, itu LUMRAH! Tidak boleh diubah aturan Allah Yang Maha Kuasa. 

Ubahlah diri kamu, sikap kamu, fikiran dan hati kamu agar menyelongkar bahagia dalam ruang ketentuan Allah Yang Maha Kuasa. Ia ada di sana. Selidiki ia, fahami ia, tentu kamu akan beroleh kebahagiaan hakiki di sana, dengan redha Allah Yang Maha Kuasa. Bukankah kamu berjanji, menjadi insan kecintaan Allah SWT? Bukankah kamu tahu, Allah SWT tidak membebani hambaNya dengan bebanan yang tidak mampu dihadapi olehnya? Bukankah kamu yakin, bahawa susah dan senang itu bersekali? Mengapa kamu mengharap kepada sesuatu yang terlalu indah, sedangkan kamu tidak bersedia untuk menghadapi dugaan yang bakal disertakan dengannya? Kenapa kamu masih dalam angan-angan kosong? Bukankan kamu berjanji untuk berusaha seperti mereka yang berjaya dan kaya?

Kamu yang tidak mahu menjadi sebahagian daripada orang miskin atau tersingkir dalam pelajaran, tapi usaha kamu? Ukur usaha kamu, penat lelah kamu, masa yang kamu habiskan. Bandingkan dengan mereka yang menjadi contoh kepada kamu. Mereka yang berjaya, yang kaya. Mana mungkin sikap lemah dan berlengah-lengah kamu menjanjikan kejayaan dan kekayaan. Kamu berjanji mahu menjadi manusia yang benar, yang diredhai Allah Yang Maha Kuasa. Tumpahkan peluhmu, keringatmu, masamu melakukan sesuatu yang bermanfaat untukmu, keluargamu, kerjayamu dan segala yang kamu inginkan.

Ingat, Allah SWT sudah berikan kamu segala-galanya yang pernah kamu inginkan dulu. Sekarang, syukurilah ia, hargailah ia, bahagiakanlah mereka sebagai makhluk Allah Yang Maha Pengasih Maha Penyayang. Jagalah semua harta bendamu dengan cermat, agar sampai masanya nanti ia bakal menjadi suatu yang bernilai, untukmu atau orang lain. Allah sukakan keelokan, kecantikan dan keindahan, selagi kamu mampu usahakannya. Tiada cacat celanya tentang dirimu, sempurna segalanya. Hanya bisikan-bisikan syaitan yang sentiasa melemah-lemahkan semangat girangmu mensyukuri ni'mat Allah SWT. Usahlah biarkan nafsumu dikuasai syaitan yang direjam itu. Tiada yang elokpun tentang perlakuan yang mendapat telunjuk makhluk yang dilaknat itu. Buruk kesemuanya. Nilaikanlah ia.

Sempurnakanlah kembali akhlakmu, keikhlasanmu, keelokan ciptaan Allah terhadapmu, kebahagiaan suami dan anak-anakmu, tugasan PhDmu, dan silaturrahim antara kamu dengan darah dagingmu serta darah daging suami dan anak-anakmu. Ia wajib, ramai yang tidak mahu raikan perhubungan yang wajib, disibukkan dengan hubungan yang sementara apatah lagi yang haram, dengan pelbagai alasan. Alasan memenuhi tuntutan jiwa yang telah hanyut. Hanyut dalam dodoian syaitan yang terlaknat itu. Kamu berasa derita tentang sesuatu, sedangkan Allah mahu berikan ganjaran dengannya. Ganjaran yang tidak terfikirkan oleh kamu. Kamu berasa bahagia tentang sesuatu, sedangkan Allah sedang murka denganmu, jadi ukurlah kebahagiaan itu mengikut aturan Allah Yang Maha Kuasa.

Bersyukurlah dengan tugas dan tanggungjawab-tanggungjawab itu, wahai insan. Allah SWT Maha Adil, dan tiada sesuatupun yang terlepasa daripada pandanganNya. Bersyukur dan redha dengan segalanya tentang dirimu dan berlapang dada dengan ni'mat yang diperoleh orang lain. Itulah redha yang agung. Redha menurut aturan Tuhan Rabbul Jalil, redha yang menyemai bahagia di kemudian hari, redha yang menghiasi jiwa, terpancar di wajah yang mulus, kurniaan Allah Yang Maha Kuasa. Cuba senaraikan segala pemberian Allah dan penderitaan yang kamu hadapi. Adakah ia tidak mampu kamu hadapi? Ni'mat apakah lagi yang ingin kita dustakan? 

"Wahai Allah yang berkuasa membolak-balikkan hati manusia, ampunilah segala kesalahanku baik yang dahulu, kini dan akan datang. Cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh kedua ibu bapa kandungku, ampunilah segala dosa kedua ibu-bapa mertuaku, dosa anak-anakku yang akan datang, dosa adik-beradikku, dosa sahabat-sahabatku, dosa sekalian umat Islam seluruhnya. Kami adalah pendosa, walau kami cuba berakhlak mulia. Ampunilah hambaMu ini Ya Allah".

Flagging dan "Mama Ada Family?"

Sudah beberapa hari tidak punya kesungguhan menulis tesis, bimbang tetap bimbang, tapi usaha tidak seberapa. Hati berdoa kepada Allah, "Ya Allah, Engkau Maha Tahu". 

Sambil memerhati rak buku di ruang tamu sambil melayan anak-anak di musim cuti sekolah ini, tangan mencapai sebuah buku yang dibeli pada tahun 2009, seawal mula-mula diri mendaftar di UiTM sebagai pensyarah.

Pat Cryer (1976) Dealing with Flagging in The Research Student's Guide to Success. Open University Press: Buckingham. p. 167-176.

Buku ini, bersama beberapa buah buku lain diperoleh daripada rakan sekerja (bekas pensyarah diri semasa LLB) yang pada ketika itu baru memulakan langkah ke alam PhD. Saya memintanya dapatkan untuk saya sekali dek semangat yang berkobar-kobar apabila sudah disahkan jawatan sebagai pensyarah undang-undang di UiTM. 

Buku ini diperoleh sebaik diri disahkan jawatan sebagai pensyarah tetap di UiTM, 27 Julai 2009

Sejak buku ini diperoleh, tidak pernah saya khusyu' membacanya walaupun hati sentiasa berkobar-kobar untuk perjalanan akademik yang seterusnya iaitu PhD. Hari ini, diri membelek-belek buku ini dengan hati yang tenang, menyerap isi-isi kandungan yang serasanya sesuai dengan isu yang bergolak di hati. 

Tabiat saya membaca buku adalah daripada muka paling belakang, kemudian sedikit demi sedikit ke hadapan, sehingga habis. Tajuk utama yang menarik perhatian adalah 'Dealing with Flagging" dan ia diolah dengan ringkas, sesuai dengan keadaan diri yang semakin berasa hambar dengan kerja-kerja PhD.

Perkongsian di FB bersama 

Semuanya kerana diri mencari-cari jawapan kepada persoalan-persoalan yang bermain di minda, tetapi gagal dibawa ke penulisan rutin, diri mula berasa berada di awang-awangan. Keyakinan tetap ada untuk memendekkan tempoh 'flagging' kerana diri tahu masa sudah suntuk untuk berlengah-lengah atau melayan perasaan 'malas' itu, tetapi tidaklah sampai mahu memaksa diri yang sentiasa sibuk dengan menjaga anak-anak pada cuti sekolah. Anak-anak juga perlukan perhatian dan kasih-sayang.

Sebaik malam menjelma dan mama mula meminta anak-anak menutup TV, mereka datang dengan persoalan yang bermain di minda mereka, melibatkan Daanial (6 tahun) dan kakaknya 'Atiiqah (8 tahun) dan Rabii'ah (3 tahun).

Daanial: Mama, mama ada family tak?

Saya: Ada. Mama punya mother nama Siti Aminah.

Daanial: Saya suka nama tu. 

Saya: Mama punya father nama Mustafa.

Daanial: Ooh...

Saya: Mama ada abang; Uncle Rujhan....

Daanial: Oh, uncle Rujhan tu abang mama ya?

Saya: (meyambung)...uncle Rushdan, Pakcik Khair yang datang rumah haritu, Che Din kat Kampung. Mama ada kakak; Cik As, Cik Su dan Cik 'Ain

'Atiiqah: Mama yang paling baby ya?

Saya: (baby?) Ha ah. mama paling kecil (kecil?) Mama, the youngest.

'Atiiqah: Mama, mama punya mother mati sebab sakit kepala, kan? Kenapa dia sakit kepala?

Saya: Oh....(sambil lama berfikir), Ada blood dalam otak, brain haemorrage.

Daanial: Blood tu, darah kan? (muka suspen).

'Atiiqah: Mama punya father mati sebab apa?

Saya: Oh....(sambil memegang buku Pat Cryer)....dia punya heart, burst.

Daanial: Dia burst macam ni ke? (sambil buat lagak ngeri objek yang meletup)

Saya: I mean, ia burst kat dalam, blood vessel yang burst. (Tripple A =AAA=Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm) dan penyebab kematian adalah Secondary.....to splenic abcess. Teringat masa jaga arwah mama dan papa dulu, segala macam medical term ingat, sebab jadi orang tengah antara doktor dan adik beradik).

Semua diam...

'Atiiqah: Bila mama dengan papa mama mati, mama duduk dengan siapa?

Saya: (Fuhh soalan....susahnya nak jawab...jadi novel karang...)..ehmm....mama tinggal dengan uncle Rujhan kejap, kemudian tinggal dengan kawan-kawan. 

'Atiiqah: Mama dulu tinggal di mana?

Saya: Mama dulu tinggal di Kelantan.

Dua-dua tengok muka saya. 

Saya: Kakak, mama nak rehat kejap boleh? Kakak solat dulu (tetiba otot-otot rasa mengendur je)

'Atiiqah: Baik mama, mama rehatlah dulu, kasihan mama.

Rabii'ah: Mama, nak susu. (biasa, kalau mama dia mula baring, mesti minta susu)

Mama: Daanial, boleh tolong mama, tak? Buat susu untuk Rabii'ah. 

Daanial: (Termenung sebentar) Ok, mama, mama rehat ya.

Mengenang hari esok (4.12.2015), diri perlu ke perpustakaan. Memperbahari pinjaman buku (belum semua baca pun). 'Atiiqah dan Daanial akan dihantar ke program cuti sekolahnya selepas bercuti seharian (3.12.2015). Banyak yang mereka belajar pada 1 dan 2 Disember berkenaan pengurusan jenazah, mungkin. Cuti diberi oleh mama mereka, dek kerana berat juga ilmu yang diperoleh. Selepasa mereka hadamkan untuk pemahaman mereka sendiri, 'Atiiqah sudah bersedia untuk hari esok. Harap Daanial juga turut serta. Apa salahnya melibatkan mereka dalam ilmu-ilmu seperti itu, lebih elok daripada membiarkan mereka di rumah, menonton TV sahaja, dan mama perlu menulis sambil jaga adik-adiknya 'Aaisyah dan Rabii'ah.

Dunia sedang berputar, masa terus berjalan, dulu diri seorang yang menumpang kasih orang, kini anak-anak memohon simpati seorang ibu, mengharap perhatian dan kasih-sayang. Menjawab persoalan anak-anak adalah sebahagian proses yang dilalui. Hidup perlu diteruskan.